10 Reasons Why Dolphins Are A$$holes

Treehugger recently posted 10 Reasons Why Dolphins Are Undeniably Awesome.  This is all nice and well but this does overlook some key aspects of dolphins that should be recognized.  Good luck trying to sleep tonight when you start thinking about dolphins.

1. They gang rape femalesAs Miriam wrote before XXfactor, “Dolphin sex can be violent and coercive. Gangs of two or three male bottlenose dolphins isolate a single female from the pod and forcibly mate with her, sometimes for weeks at a time. To keep her in line, they make aggressive noises, threatening movements, and even smack her around with their tails. And if she tries to swim away, they chase her down.”

 2. They are horny and they don’t mind humans as a partner. Being horny is all fun and good until you are the unwanted recipient. Horny dolphins can target human swimmers.  Demi Moore is rumored to have had a close encounter of the finny kind.

3. Dolphins have prehensile penises.  This combined with the #2 is more than enough to scare the bejebus out of me.  I thank Christopher Moore and his book Fluke for painting a vivid mental image of this.

4. Dolphins kill babies of other species.  Again quoting Miriam, “In Scotland, scientists found baby harbor porpoiseswashed up with horrific internal injuries. They thought the porpoises might have been killed by weapons tests until they found the toothmarks. Later, dolphins were caught on film pulping the baby porpoises-the dolphins even used their ecolocation to aim their blow at the porpoises’ vital organs.”

5. Dolphins kill their own babies.  Males are known to kill off babies.  In one study, 5 juvenile bottlenose dolphins had fatal injuries consistent with a bottlenose dolphin attack.  Infanticide by males may occur within dolphins, as it does in other species, because females become immediately ready for pregnancy after the death of infant.  The study also suggests that violent interactions with harbour porpoises (near 100 incidents in this study alone) by bottlenose dolphins may occur because they confuse infants of the two species.

6. Dolphins never sleep.  Yep dolphins can stay awake for five days straight with no loss of mental acuity. And after missing all that sleep they don’t even need to catch it up with little dolphin naps.  So great, horny dolphins are probably awake while I’m sleeping.  Just fantastic.

7. Dolphins are voracious predators.  Dolphins are not some crystal and patchouli wearing vegan.  Nope they are stone cold meat eaters.  The feed in packs so no fish or squid can escape.  Hunts are coordinated and focused on decimating prey. Dolphins are inventive and creative and nothing is safe.  Not even us on land.

8. Dolphins like to screw around with other animals just for the hell of it.  Sure dolphins love to play and that is sooooooo cute.  Of course, when all those cute toys become boring what should a dolphin do? Use a baby shark as a volleyball h/t to SFS

9. Dolphins are sexually transmitted disease bags.  Yep dolphins are just full of STD’sh/t to SFSScreen Shot 2013-02-13 at 1.30.58 PM10. Freakin dolphin and rainbow art.  I blame dolphins for this trend.  This stuff is all horrible, a blight on human existence.  It’s so bad I think it actually discourages people from becoming marine biologists.  And let’s not even start with dolphin and rainbow tattoos.  Or the “very unique” dolphin on the ankle tattoo! There is only one cool dolphin tattoo.

Also now that you are primed make sure you take a look at The Oatmeal’s Five Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth


Dr. M (1801 Posts)

Craig McClain is the Executive Director of the Lousiana University Marine Consortium. He has conducted deep-sea research for 20 years and published over 50 papers in the area. He has participated in and led dozens of oceanographic expeditions taken him to the Antarctic and the most remote regions of the Pacific and Atlantic. Craig’s research focuses on how energy drives the biology of marine invertebrates from individuals to ecosystems, specifically, seeking to uncover how organisms are adapted to different levels of carbon availability, i.e. food, and how this determines the kinds and number of species in different parts of the oceans. Additionally, Craig is obsessed with the size of things. Sometimes this translated into actually scientific research. Craig’s research has been featured on National Public Radio, Discovery Channel, Fox News, National Geographic and ABC News. In addition to his scientific research, Craig also advocates the need for scientists to connect with the public and is the founder and chief editor of the acclaimed Deep-Sea News (http://deepseanews.com/), a popular ocean-themed blog that has won numerous awards. His writing has been featured in Cosmos, Science Illustrated, American Scientist, Wired, Mental Floss, and the Open Lab: The Best Science Writing on the Web.

90 Replies to “10 Reasons Why Dolphins Are A$$holes”

  1. lol people need to chill. It’s a joke and was merely bringing up points you may not have known about dolphins. On the flip side these people are hilarious when mad XD

  2. Why do intelligent species rape?? Whats wrong with the males of intelligent species ? Im a feminist and god i hate dolphins now ;->

    1. Because only intelligent species CAN rape. It takes a certain level of sophistication and self-awareness to be able to consent/not consent, and it takes similarly high level of sophistication to deliberately violate consent.

    2. It’s actually not just intelligent species. Non-intelligent species, including insects, also rape.

  3. Lol, there are multiple animals who have characteristics you mentioned of a dolphin. It’s an animal, they don’t have morals like we do. They just know nature of life. And dolphins are one of the smartest animals alive on the planet surpassing the monkey. And humans do these things and we’re assholes too. And seeing as you didn’t exempt any dolphin and basically said all of them are like this, I would call you an asshole also.

  4. I dunno. I was willing to give the author the benefit of the doubt and watched video #7 closely, even rewinding and reviewing in parts. I saw nothing to support his claim. No land creatures were touched. In fact, it looked like the dolphins just enjoyed thrusting onto the mud then sliding back down. Must feel good. There wasn’t a single scene where any land animal or bird was caught. Gave you your chance and so I’ll now judge the rest of the site as, in the words of Daniel Tosh, “BS.”

    1. I’m sorry but if you want to judge because something was wrong, then don’t judge the entire site or page for that. The rest is true…dolphins do have prehensile penises and they do forcefully mate with females. Don’t be so quick to judge. I will agree with you however on the part about dolphins thrusting in the mud…they seemed to be playing around and rolling but most of the rest is true.

  5. Again, #2 is also a stretch. It’s entertaining, I’ll give the author that, but hardly can be classified as “humans as a partner” unless you believe dolphins understand cunninglingus. What’s more likely is the female swimmer was menstrual (or immediately pre- or post-). LOL At least now I know the site is a gag. Yeah, former Marine, so it takes me more time to get these things than the usual Hah-vud grad. :)

  6. Congratulations- you just described a population of humans!

    Face it dude- every species has their negatives.

  7. yeah, now that it seems to be in fashion to show how nice wild animals are, how much we have to take care of them (which I agree with), it is also good to see that they are not fairy tale creatures. To be rational, or I would rather say, to have the capability to be rational is not that bad men…

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